Life sucks?!
- SocialMeg
- Apr 19, 2016
- 3 min read
Last Thursday, my crazy elder sister, was found on the floor of her flat, surrounded by pills and wine bottles, by my 78 year old step father and his daughter (who I am so thankful was with him).
She's been ICU for 5 days; was sedated/incubated for 4 of those 5 days and is now delirious: seeing and saying things that just don't make sense.
This is not the first time, that we've been down this path with my sister; my first memory of her attempting suicide was when I was about 20, sleeping on her couch in Mt Isa. I'm fairly certain she tried it before then, when she lived with our father in Melbourne as a teenager; and I know she's tried it many times since.
I feel kind of desensitised to the drama of my sister's suicide attempts > as its a bad record (showing my age here!) that is stuck on replay. Prior to seeking counselling (for the loss of my father two years ago) I had a much harder attitude towards it, as I'm not wired the same way, and I don't understand how anyone could have so much despair that the only answer is to kill themselves.
I've been touched by depression, but never felt the despair that my sister must feel.
We also share the same story of childhood abandonment; growing up with an alcoholic mother and a remote (physically and emotionally) father. I turned out OK (kind of :) ).
In some moments I hate my sister, for being so selfish. Her suicide attempts impacts me (and my family), her friends and her incredible 20 year old daughter.
In other moments, I feel frustration: that she lacks a real ability and desire to help herself, to choose life. She is a really talented person; very creative, a magnificent writer. She also one of the 8.5% of Austrlians with 2 mental health disorders; and 1% of Australians with bipolar (she suffers from bipolar and borderline personality disorder). (http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/docs/Factsandfiguresaboutmentalhealthandmooddisorders.pdf).
I also feel confusion: she's had a hard time holding down work, but she is surrounded by family and friends who love her - can't she see that?
With our father dead, our mother in care with dementia, and her daughter overseas; my sister's support options are limited. Responsibility and care for my sister needs to fall to someone, and at the moment that someone is me. (And to be honest, its the last thing I'd want for my 20 year old niece)
Its a pretty large burden when you have your own family (a husband and 3 high school children); a business and are dealing with your own demons to boot (including being EPOA for my mother who has dementia).
My wise psychologist suggested that I put the load on myself, by agreeing to be carer - but its what I've always done, its what I know and in my heart its what I believe is right to do.
But the load adds to my life and at times, makes everything that needs to be done (family, work, demons) overwhelming. Its easy for the fog to rise, over the weight of life - its easy to slip into the "funk" to avoid the responsibility of it all.
What I'm learning is that its ok to be borne down by the weight of life, but at the end of the day: everything we do is a choice. We can choose to shoulder the burden; or we can choose to ignore it.
But the real truth is that the burden is only as heavy as we let it be; for it can also provide light, when we remember that we carry the burden because of love.
If you are feeling suicidal contact Lifeline’s 24 hour crisis support service on 13 11 14 or seek immediate help from a GP, psychiatrist or a psychologist. (This is something that I wish my sister has done)!
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