I'm not a poodle

Megan Dixon
Sep 16, 2016
4 min read

Updated: Oct 17, 2021

For those that know me, you'll know that I'm carrying a little extra weight.... actually a lot of extra weight (and because I'm all about being honest with this blog, I'll admit it: its 40kg). My weight has been definitely part of the battle that I've had with myself, regarding self worth, self value and self perception. On the one-hand I'm (mainly) comfortable with how I look and I feel healthy, because I do exercise, a couple of times a week.

On the other hand, there are times when I'd like to look better, be able to wear THAT outfit and most definitely do that activity (like a mud run).

My weight gain has been gradual. At 18, I was under 60kg, wearing size eight jeans and actually had a boy tell me that he thought I was too skinny.

At 23, I'd put on a little weight, but was going to the gym 6, sometimes 7 days a week. I looked pretty good, felt great and met my husband.

But then life got in the way. I climbed the corporate ladder by putting in huge hours at work, studying (I achieved a second degree, as well as my Masters) and established a family. What little spare time I had, went to my husband and 3 kids. Exercise became a chore and another guilt trip, and each year I gained a couple of kilos.

My excuses?

My mum is a poodle (you'll understand in a minute) > she's always been tiny, is quite conscious of her appearance and as a child always referred to me as being tubby.
Life/mum guilt > I spent so much time away from the kids, taking another hour to exercise just seemed wrong.
My mum again > the woman has never had to diet or exercise in her life. So even though she'd criticise me for carrying extra weight, she never taught me to watch what I ate or exercise.
My sedentary lifestyle > When I was younger, I worked on the station that my mum owned. I didn't need to watch what I ate.... it got worked off by hard physical labour. As I got older and busier, all of my manual activities were outsourced.
My favourite > I might be addicted to food :) :) [Addiction runs in my family, so if my addiction isn't alcohol, it could be food, you know?]

So how does weight link to my self worth? As a society, we are driven by media and media expectations. No matter what anyone thinks, there is an ideal body shape and type. Even over weight models have a good hour glass form. That I once was a skinny little thing (no matter what my mum thought), created a whole heap of self-doubt, that as I got older and heavier attached itself to my self worth and the crisis in confidence that was triggered by my dad's death. Heck, I've even wondered if I've missed out on jobs because of my weight...

I am goal orientated: I write my goals down. I know how to break a goal down and plan what I need to do to achieve it. I generally commit to my goals and I pretty much always achieve them. With every goal but my goal of losing weight. So my psychologist and I have been discussing my weight, because of my inability to commit to a goal of weight loss has confused me.

In part, I definitely have self sabotaged. In part, I haven't had an urgency or pressing reason: 90% of the time I'm very comfortable in my own skin. In part, I've maybe wanted to say f#@K off to everyone who's thought or said something about my weight.

But then my psychologist showed me this video. It makes so much sense that Its ridiculous that its only had 33,546 views.

Did you watch it? I can confirm with some pride that I am defiantly not a poodle. If I was to attach a doggy breed to myself, I'd like to think labrador: soft, giving, happy.

The video, the work that I've been doing on myself, and feedback from people as I've blogged has all led to a fundamental shift in me, which I think is beginning to show and flow.

What I've come to realise is that over the years I've built this brilliant pool of friends who love me for me. They don't see me the same way I see myself and I am so incredibly grateful.

Today, I'm still overweight. But I am more committed to myself than I have been in a very long time. Yeah, some weight loss would be nice, but its not the end of the world if it doesn't happen. What matters is that I'm happy, healthy and fit.